The Key to Sexual Satisfaction

The ancient Tantric masters say the key to unlocking sexual satisfaction is one very simple but often highly difficult state to maintain. Your presence.

Basically, if you can get out of you head and into your body to become completely present and in the moment, you will have the key to sexual satisfaction.

It’s not about sex appeal, body weight, your sexual experience or exotic positions (although those are always fun to try).  Sexual satisfaction is about you showing up with your full heart and attention.

You might be thinking..."that’s too easy Monique" (with the eye roll) Or, "I’m always present and I still am not having good sex."

Here’s the thing, your presence determines your availability to connect.  It’s your presence that determines what your experience will be. If you think you are present, you probably aren’t. Presence isn’t about thinking you are present, but about feeling present.

Have you ever starting getting intimate with someone like making out and then your mind begins the thoughts…what if he doesn’t like me? What if she really isn’t into it? I wish I was 20 pounds lighter? Is my breath ok?

All of these thoughts start taking you out of the moment of pleasure and push you right into self-doubt and self-criticism.  Then you can begin the spiral of shame.

You are not going to get out of the spiral until you get into your body which gets you into the present moment.  The mind can be a dirty trickster sometimes and that's why you need to be guarding the door to it.  Allowing these thoughts to freely flow in and out, takes away your power and the ability to be present.

Now you might be wondering what I can do to actually get out of my head in those moments of intimacy?

You can Pause. Take a moment.

Even in the midst of getting sexy, if you're not fully present, you are allowed to PAUSE and get present.

There is nothing wrong, bad or shameful to stop what you are doing in the intimate play to reset and become present.  Taking a pause can be the most powerful tool you have to change the experience and heal your heart.

Your mind is comfortable being in command. But in intimacy, your heart needs to lead the way. Getting vulnerable and opening your heart is the way to find the space of gratitude, to connect with your lover deeply and to be present.

Finding presence is a practice.

We have not been taught how to slow down and be in the present moment. Often we are encouraged to keep doing at any cost. So, thinking about finding presence in your intimate space can be overwhelming. A little hint is to practice presence...ALWAYS. Then it's not so scary to do it when you're in your shame spiral and trying to connect.

Practices that cultivate presence:

•               Meditation
•               Deep breathing
•               Simple movements
•               Self-Touch
•               Dancing

Have fun exploring other ways you can find presence within. Practice taking a pause in the middle of work or a conversation. If you want to learn more about The Power of The Pause, check out my TEDx Talk HERE.